I think it is a little early to write your memoirs.
Science has let you down. It's obvious. Nobody mourns something they didn't once cherish. I bet there was a time in your life when you met every challenge in front of you, and received plenty of encouragement- otherwise how would you have gotten this far? And I bet you developed a vision of your future- if you just kept on course, one day you would stand next to Isaac Newton and Marie Curie, helping your species take the next step into a glorious future.
Only it hasn't quite worked out that way. The scenery has changed on your path, and its destination seems less clear. The path rarely seems to be leading to utopia, and on some days it seems to be leading somewhere much worse. On average, perhaps, it seems to be leading to something like Motel 6- workable, but not inspiring. In any case, it's less than you were expecting.
So now you have choices. You can check into Motel 6, and accept the disappointment of your dream being much less than you thought it was. Maybe you could take out some of that frustration on those that come after you. But you have another choice. Can you accept that maybe the dream as you knew it is dead, but you are not dead? The child had a dream of what adulthood would be like. It turns out the child didn't quite have it right. Can you forgive the child for that? It is not too late to have more dreams. Ones that are more in-line with the reality you have come to appreciate with your more grown-up perspective.
So stop for a while. Take stock. The path has not led where you wanted, but you have undoubtedly learned some things along the way. Look back at your papers, and find your favorite accomplishment. Not the one that got you the most recognition, or did the most to advance your career, but the one that was the most honest and creative and inspired. Maybe you're the only one who ever really appreciated it. So what? A lifetime of learning and growth went into it. How many people, out of all those alive, could have accomplished anything like it?
I've not made much of a splash as a blogger. I don't know if a single person ever read my blog. Nevertheless, it has served its purpose for me. In the blogosphere, like nowhere else, I found that I was not alone in feeling lost, frustrated, and disappointed. And it is your anger and frustration, YFS, that makes your blog so meaningful and so real. If anything, it shows that you still care. The world is not all that it could be, and you're not OK with that. And because you're struggling now, you could gain an immense advantage over the people who seem to be gliding along. Anybody can handle success. Imagine what you could accomplish, knowing what to do with both success and failure.
So what if you're not winning the game? If you were, perhaps you would not be able to see all that is wrong with it. In a hundred years, who is going to remember the rules of the game as it is currently played anyway? We've just gone through the greatest economic collapse in several generations. Society and its assumptions have been shaken to their core. Much needs to be rebuilt.
I am not going to blog anymore, at least not anonymously. When I started a year ago, I said I was setting out in search of a better job, a new career. I haven't found one yet. I am in the same lab, in the same situation, facing more uncertainty about my future than I have in decades. That is OK. No matter how badly I am losing the game, I see no need to check out now. The broader game is not up for me until my last cent, my last bit of dignity, my last bit of strength, are all gone. There is a ways to go.
Good luck.
